5 weeks into my ‘properly training for a proper marathon’ plan. Once tomorrow’s 60 minute run is done and dusted that will be over 15 hours of running since the start of January - yay *happy dance*!
So, physically the training is going to plan, however last week - the mental side of this whole marathon running shenanigans went, quite frankly, to shit as I hit a big old wall - a wall built with self-doubt and anxiety shitty bricks. I found myself crying over coffee on the shoulders of two very lovely friends having a total “I can’t do any of this! I can’t do anything!” moment. I wondered how to write this post and if I should write this post - but hey ho - to give the impression this is all jolly japes and a walk/jog in the park would not be the whole truth!
I think there are a lot of parallels to be made between mummyhood and marathon running - as well as the good moments there’s a whole mixed bag of “am I doing enough, is it good enough, what if I let people down” moments…..
A lot of people say to me about both my marathoning and my mummying “don’t know how you do it” “you are super mum” etc - all said with no agenda other than kindness and support, which is hugely complimentary and uber nice to hear - but it does make me think - "arrggghh! hang about, I’m at times clinging onto my sanity by my fingertips!! I should be doing better!"
I can also feel guilty for not being back at work as that means being a SAHM is my main job and focus and therefore I should be all over it like a boss - however if I give myself a self appraisal I tend to focus on all the areas in which I’m under performing. It’s only since trying to organise a fundraiser evening to help raise money for my chosen marathon charity that it has really hit home how much my confidence and self belief outside day to day home and mummyhood duties has dwindled. My instant go-to thought is that my fundraiser won’t work/ no one will come/ it will be a disaster. It's an underlying thread I see now in other areas of my life - convincing myself I’ll fail at something before I even try.
So I have to say ...... “NO! Screw you self doubt. I am doing the best I can. That is enough. My kids are growing and thriving, they are healthy and happy. I’m sticking to my training plan so come marathon day it doesn’t matter how many hours it takes me, I WILL DO IT and I will have done my best". The fundraiser night will be fine too - I have wonderful friends helping make it happen and I have wonderful friends who are coming along and supporting it. So again I say ….. “jog on self doubt - I have no time for you!”
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